I know what you are thinking: skip the interview and get on with the audition. But for me, and I’m guessing some other women out there, anticipation is part of the excitement. Not only do I need a little time to fantasize and imagine how it could be, I need to get to know the object of my desire.

My inspiration comes from a profile on an online dating site I’m on. I was looking at who had been checking me out and saw a photo of a half naked man. Generally there are some ‘body shots’ usually of the torso but since the thumbnails are cropped randomly (well they are centered) I always hope their heads have just been cropped off and in the original photo there is a fully formed person. This is usually never the case. This person was looking only for sex partners and in their profile clearly stated that they were looking for a lover.

They went on to describe their sexual tastes as ‘slow vanilla lovemaking’. I know, I should have stopped right there. I mean, vanilla? Really? I’m sure those women are out there, all 1% of them, and I’m hoping they’re happily married and very comfortable in the missionary position.

But this gave me an idea, how would one interview for a lover? What would they ask?
Firstly I would establish that the interview would be held in person, at a very public place, in the middle of the day. I would choose coffee, so very non-committal, much like the role of loverdom. I would sit out of earshot of other patrons. This is difficult for me because I often find myself wanting to talk about wildly inappropriate things, and as I become more engaged in whatever subject I’m talking about I tend to misplace my indoor voice. Then I become annoyed because other people, lurkers with less interesting lives, tend encroach upon us and try to live vicariously through eavesdropping.

I would bring a clipboard, a sharpened no.2 pencil, my naughty librarian glasses and a series of well thought out questions:

1. Would there be any out of the bedroom dates?
2. Would sex ever be preceded or followed by a meal? A movie?
3. Would there be conversation?
4. If yes, would there be any subjects that are off-limits?
5. Would the role of lover involve overnight stays?
6. If yes, does this mean cuddling and generally affectionate behavior?
7. Would there be backrubs?
8. Describe your lovemaking style. (Follow-up) So you described yours style as ‘slow vanilla lovemaking.’ Please elaborate.
9. What’s your idea of dirty talk?
10. Does it involve the words ‘bitch’, ‘slut’ or ‘whore’? (that’s a dealbreaker, ladies!)
11. You mentioned you are ‘disease free’ does this mean you’re expecting unprotected sex?
12. Write a personal ad headline from the perspective of members of the animal kingdom. (Ex: Baby seal seeks company of friendly polar bear).