No better way to start your day than with a pelvic ultrasound.

The women in the waiting room are uppers or downers. They are either naked from the waist up or the waist down under their hospital robes. A woman stumbles out holding all her belongings, instead of using the locker like instructed. She left her pants on one leg only, bunched down around the ankle. This is not a fire drill Lady; take your pants off. Women don’t know what to do when told to half-disrobe. It is winter and most of the women are wearing their socks and shoes, one has her left her bootlaces untied. A heavyset brunette woman is naked under her mint green hospital gown, barefoot. She takes inventory of the waiting room and goes back to retrieve her socks. I’m naked from the waist down under my fuchsia hospital gown. I’m wearing matching fuchsia knee hi socks with black and gold Nike high tops. I’m trying to read a short story about a demolition derby but they are playing Journey and I can’t concentrate.

Usually they start with the other ultrasound. The one you know, the one you see in movies, when the woman is pregnant and she gets to see her baby for the first time. They make you drink a lot of water to have a full bladder before the test. It is uncomfortable and they make you wait and you can’t pee. If you have to pee, they tell you to just try and release a little. I don’t have to do that test today; they already know what is wrong with me. They are here to follow-up, to monitor its progress.

When you go into the room the nurse tells you to put your feet in the stir-ups, scoot to the edge of the chair and lie back. She dims the lights. She pushes a button and the chair begins to rise upwards, towards the ceiling. The thoughts Alien Autopsy go through my mind. The probe is always cold. She warns me when she is going to apply pressure. It reminds me of an ex-boyfriend who used to poke me in the stomach with his finger while simultaneously poking me in the back with the other finger. I told him it made it feel like his fingers were touching, it hurt and I didn’t like it.

The technician is not supposed to tell you anything if they find something. I can always tell. The results are sent to your doctor and in a few days I will get a phone call.  My doctor will ask, “When can you come in for an appointment?” She wants to discuss my options.

I went to a bar in New Jersey after an art opening. When we walked in the door everybody fell silent, turned and stared. I gave me the feeling I might be gay-bashed.

We sat down at a large table and ordered food. I went to the bathroom which was a little crowded, so I backed up against the wall and set off the automatic hand dryer with my butt, startling myself.  This prompted a total stranger to confide in me that she was on a blind date and it was not going well.  She said he lied about his height and was talking about being a metrosexual and all she wanted was a Real Man. She said that she didn’t know what to do.  I asked her if she came to the bathroom hoping there was a window. I gave her a little pep talk and told her that a date is not a hostage situation and that she could leave whenever she wanted.

She said she gave him a chance, ordered a drink and had a conversation with him but now she just wished she was at home watching television. I told her not to order food.

When I left the restaurant she was smoking a cigarette outside. She told me that she worked up the courage to tell him “this isn’t really working for me” and was on her way home. I said, “Congratulations.”