I Have a Secret To Tell You on National Television. That was title for the episode of Ricki Lake I appeared on in 1994. My friend Aurelius was obsessed with Ricki Lake from John Water’s movies. She had been watching her talkshow for weeks searching for topics we could meet the criteria for. One day she told me that I “should be getting a call from Ricki Lake.” She had told me the title of the show but not the secret. Someone from the show called me for a telephone interview,

“Do have any idea who might want to reveal a secret to you?”

“No, I can’t think of anyone.”

“Can you think of a secret that someone might be keeping from you?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Has anyone mentioned anything about the Ricki Lake show to you?”

“No.”

“Are you in a relationship with anyone?”

“Yes, I have a boyfriend Greg.”

“Do you think he would be willing to come on the show?”

“I don’t know, I can ask him.”

Later someone called to get our address and ask our meal preferences. We were all in college together at Pratt. They picked us up in limos, Greg and I together and Aurelius separately. Greg and I were vegan at the time and they had gotten us Falafels.

Greg had purple hair and an eyebrow ring. He had this weird style, kind of a cartoon hobo. He had this thing for really big round shoes with platforms. He wore fat old men’s pants, the widest he could possible find with a belt and pins to hold in all the excess fabric. He was into stripes, Sonic Youth style. He made a lot of his own clothes; he liked polyester and the color brown.

I had bleached blonde hair and a tongue ring. I was in between my rave, punk and gothic stage, never fully committing or identifying with any one scene. I had made a spiked collar out of velvet and metal drywall screws that security tried to take away from me until they realized I was a guest. I was wearing an infant’s shirt, one of those ribbed lap tees, where the collar overlaps the shoulder. I had been getting them at the discount stores and buying the largest size I could find, this one was royal blue and I had painted a black bat on it. I was wearing black vinyl pants that I had made, let me remind you it was the early 90’s and cool.

Aurelius had a shaved head with a patch of bangs in the front Tank Girl style and was the most tattooed and pierced. She was wearing her usual uniform of black: baggy guy’s shorts, combat boots, a Christian Death t-shirt and as many silver chains and necklaces she could manage-a walking metal detector’s nightmare.

After eating falafel in the Green Room they walked me out to backstage where I had to wait in a booth listening to music on headphones. I was nervous walking out and as the audience kind of cheered and gasped I felt it necessary to expose my tongue ring. Aurelius was waiting for me on this little loveseat. Greg was sitting next to her in a chair. Aurelius began her speech.

“I just wanted to bring you here because—I LOVE YOU RICKI! I’ve watched all your movies—“

“Thank-you” Ricki says,

“What did you want to tell your friend?”

“Well I just wanted to say that Greg didn’t get even get you anything for Valentine’s Day (audience boos) and I would treat you much better than that (audience awes). I’m in love with you and I want you to dump him and go out with me (audience goes crazy, clapping, screaming, gasping).”

I feigned surprise. I opened my mouth and covered it with my hand. I opened my eyes wide as if in shock, realizing I had all the acting abilities of a cartoon. Ricki said,“You seem really surprised.” I was thinking do I? Am I believable? That was so FAKE. Greg just kept cursing, they bleeped out everything he said. I just played dutiful girlfriend and said that “it wouldn’t be fair, I couldn’t just dump whomever I was with” as if etiquette was relevant given the spectacle we had just made of ourselves.

I had told my Dad that I was going to be on the show, he had his friends at the bar recording it while he was at work. When he came by to get the tape they warned him

“I don’t think you want to see this.”

After watching the tape he told them that he thought that I “had handled myself very well.”

My aunt couldn’t even watch the tape “with all those things in your face.” I can’t remember if I had the cheek and septum piercing then, but I had them when she picked me up from the train station when I came home to visit once. She had just gotten a new used car and her son began asking me about my piercings as we were pulling out of the parking space. Just as he was contemplating out loud what would be his first piercing she ran into a parking meter and ripped off her side view mirror.

Ten years after the show I was still being recognized from the show, which was miraculous since I was kind of a chameleon with my ever evolving style and hair color, eventually returning to bleach blonde or as I like to call it, a failed attempt to recapture my youth. We lived in Fort Greene/Bed-Stuy where people would ask us on the street, the subway and yell out of car windows:

“Yo, you were on Ricki Lake!”

“Whatever happened with that girl?”

“Did you dump that guy?”

We’d usually be recognized apart and would make up different answers. Aurelius would say, “Yeah we got married,” pointing to her girlfriend, being white and blonde could pass for me since all white people really do look alike. I’d say. “Yeah, I dumped that guy,” which was true but not for reasons that would make for good TV, not yet.

I was on talking on my home phone to Kim. At the same time I was texting back to Dasha on my cell phone. I stood on one leg and leaned back against the brick wall. The heel of my boot slipped on the concrete floor and I slid down the wall and fell on my butt. I was so flustered I began talking into my cell phone to Kim, wondering why I couldn’t hear her. I thought I hung up on her but could still faintly hear her saying “hello, hello, hello?” from the home phone. Then I absently mindedly hung up my home phone to call her back on my cell phone. Then I explained the whole thing to her while laughing uncontrollably.

Someone came into the store I was working at and asked if they could hang a flyer in the window. It had a drawing of a bike on it and said,

“I stole your bike, it was kinda your fault.”

It went on to explain how he had stolen the bike one drunken night to ride home. He said it was easy to steal because it was poorly locked. He left contact information so the person could get their bike back.

Butcher: im sleepy

me: i know you get up early.

Butcher: i wake up really early
I need 8 hours

me: beauty sleep.
that’s why you still have hair.
get some sleep.

Butcher: im only 36 not 86

me: the curious case of benjamin button

Butcher: shut up

I was working in Eve’s office doing bookkeeping when Simon walked in.
     “Eve do you remember where you parked the car?” he asked.
     “Next to the baseball field?” Eve replied.
     “Nope, I just checked there. I think it’s been stolen.” Simon deduced.
Simon calls the police.
     “Yes I’d like to report a stolen car.”
     “What’s the license plate number?” the police ask.
     “I don’t know.”
     “You don’t know your license plate number?”
     “Hang on” Simon covers the receiver, “Eve do you know the license plate number?”
     “No.” Eve answers.
     Simon speaks into the phone “No. We don’t know.”
     “Well do you have the registration? The police ask.
     “Yes, it’s in the glove compartment.”
     “Could you describe the car?”
     “It’s a beige station wagon.”
     “What’s the make and model?”
     “I don’t know.” Simon answers.
     “Okay.” The police hang up.

A group of us were at the Russian Tea Room. Simon sat down next to me and said,

“I have a proposition for you. Now, it’s no money, no money at all, there’s no budget.
It involves you, me and a camera in a hotel room. Are you interested?”

I said, “Simon, you had me at ‘no money.’”

I told my dad that I was working at a metal shop and he said “Call Pratt and tell them you want your money back.” Pratt is the art school I went to where I majored in painting.

I was grinding all day and not the good kind. Kim says, “I like it because it’s like going to the gym.” My response, “Who goes to the gym for nine and a half hours?”

I spent an entire day at a drill press imagining I was Bjork in Dancer in the Dark. Later, when I got home, I pulled five metal spurs out of the bottom of my foot. Apparently tucking you pants into your boots is an amateur mistake.

Kim calls the project manager B.D.A., Big Dumb Asshole.

I ran into Arryan on the subway. He didn’t see me. He stood directly in front of where I was sitting. I took my foot and ran it up the inside of his leg. He was surprised and flustered, then looked down and saw it was me. I said that it probably wasn’t sexy at all because I was wearing Vans and the rubber sole probably just ripped all his leg hair off. Then we talked about Judy Rosen, how I was selling my tote bags at her store The Good The Bad and The Ugly. How I saw someone at the Verb wearing her black velvet lederhosen and how I felt the need to stalk people wearing her clothes. He said I was in love with her. I said that it was true but as soon as the affection is returned I would become totally disinterested. Then we were talking about Sweet Action, this porn magazine for girls. My friend Einat was visiting from Berlin and she was asking me for gift ideas for one of her friends and I suggested Sweet Action. Then I thought, what is wrong with me, suggesting porn as a souvenir? I knew the dudes that run the bookstore Spoonbill & Sugartown where I was checking for copies. They didn’t have any but on any occasion I saw them they would announce to me over a crowd of people at the coffee shop, on the street or in the store that “Sweet Action hasn’t arrived yet!” It was hilarious and embarrassing having this information shared with strangers, like I was just some pervert lurking, waiting for porn to arrive. When the issues finally did come I bought 2 copies, one to send to Einat and one for her friend. Then they announced “Two copies!” at the register. I said “yes I’m adding International Porn Distributor to my resume”. Then Arryan and I were talking about large penises and how they can only become semi-erect. I said it was because all the blood rushes to it and then they pass out. Then we realized we had to curb our x-rated conversation as Allysa walked up to us with her kids.