My rabbit died.

Two shoes abandoned, sucking me into the whirlpool, the spinning water in the toilet flushed…my rabbit was not behind the bathtub, was not next to the paper maché igloo, I looked for her under the stairs. In the third place, she was stiff on her side behind the wheel of my bike. I didn’t want her to die alone. I failed her. Maybe it was the heat, maybe she stroked out like the elderly, warned to take care on hot days. I wonder if she was thirsty. I don’t think she struggled. Did she just give up, waiting for me to come home?

After work I took a look at the sky, a storm was brooding, the wind was racing. The sky worn blue silver denim, the color of old blue eyes…I felt like something bad was going to happen, maybe a tornado. So I walked straight home, not going to the bank, not stopping at a store. I didn’t know she would be waiting for me, I didn’t know that was the terrible thing.

I didn’t know what to say; I was non-verbal.

She was stiff. I applied pressure to try and curl her gently into a smaller ball. Her body resisted. I tucked her into a 2 gallon Ziplock bag, smoothing her ears. I drew the excess air from the bag with my breath and pressed the seal closed. I repeated this until she was nested in 3 plastic bags. I placed her in the freezer, at first laying her sideways then not knowing what to do with the ice cube trays, I rotated her. She fit so neatly there, room to the right for 2 stacked ice trays. She was no bother in death, as in life.

Then it started to hit me, the feeling of loss.

I was washing her bed; I left it soaking in the tub, expecting that she would lie in it again. The litter box, the igloo, the water and the food bowls. The limp and rubbery carrots and dandelion greens left wilting. The hay and the branches: the fur and her droppings. I couldn’t look at it anymore, I could not have reminders of the once living now dead. Through tears I filled a garbage bag with her things. What if I wanted to smell something of hers again?

When I opened the freezer I thought her ears look flattened so I opened 1-2-3 plastic bags and tried to smooth them. I knelt and cried while stroking her soft ear between my thumb and my forefinger. I miss her; I miss her being alive.

Sometimes I forget she is gone; I look for her still.

The sky looks all Ghostbusters, like the Apocalypse.

This Saturday morning I was woken up by a marching band playing outside my window.
Last Saturday it was a three-person band being filmed by a camera attached to a bicycle riding around them in a circle.

I went to a couple stores to research phones today.
My cell phone looks like it fell out of a moving car, then got jumped on by a pogo stick.
I also wanted to buy some colored craft paper to make new patterns.
The good news is that there is going to be a Summer and a Winter collection!

I ended up finding some a roll of Teal and a roll of Yellow paper.
I like to have a color I like looking at while I work.

I recently painted my floor Teal, it looks like I live in the ocean.
The rabbit was seriously pissed off about it at first.
Initially she ran down the stairs and jumped right on it!
Then sniffed the fresh paint and ran back upstairs.
For awhile she would only come down to the second step and stand on the edge and stretch her neck to beg for carrots.
Then I would give her one and she would run back upstairs with it in her mouth, dropping it almost immediately.
When she got to the top of the steps she would look around like, “Where’s my carrot?”
I felt so bad for her that I would bring it up to her every time.

If you eat Triple Ginger cookies with a redhead does that make them Quadruple?

Yesterday I gave my rabbit a blueberry fig bar.
This morning her poop was all clumped together.
Poop Newtons. 

I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning but the rabbit had other plans for me. She kept chewing the tape off my silk screens, and I kept yelling “Rabbit!” but this didn’t discourage her. Finally I woke up yelling “goddamnit! goddamnit! goddamnit!” this rabbit is giving me Turrets. Usually she becomes neurotic and starts acting out if something is wrong, like she needs fresh litter or more food or her water bowl needs freshening. I showered got dressed, hid under the covers for another half hour and then got going to Greenpoint the Polish neighborhood that I refer to as just Poland. While in Petland Discounts over by the Feline Pine a tenant of mine called saying she’s locked herself out of her studio. I tell her I’ll be back in a half hour, I’ve just got to buy some toilet paper. Walking back with 17 lbs of rabbit food and litter and 12 rolls of toilet paper I see Kayrock on the other side of the street, he waves and I just manage to give a queer thumbs up because of all the bags I’m carrying.

I let the tenant in and then cleaned the rabbit’s cage that she has been free from being confined to unless I’m giving her a “time-out.” She likes things neat, I’m sure she gets this from me because scientists say only animals living in close contact with humans develop neurotic tendencies. She seemed incredibly pleased with herself resting under the stairs with a smug look on her face after just having manipulated me into doing exactly what she wanted.

Now the bun-bunny has climbed into her cage to obsessively arrange the hay the way she wants it. Sounds like a frustrated writer crumpling up paper.