I was in Berlin for three months during the 2006 World Cup.

I went to the grocery store near where I was staying and ran into an artist that I work for in NY. He was looking for someone who worked at the store so he could ask them a question. I told him that they wouldn’t speak English. I asked him what he was looking for and he said “Oh, I can’t tell you. Of course I run into you when I’m looking for this.”

I said, “Do you want my help or not, I’m the only one of us who speaks German.”

He said “Fine. I’m looking for a bottle opener.”

He’s embarrassed of this fact because, being British, he’s kind of a lush and I don’t drink at all. I walked up to a woman stacking milk and say “Haben Sie einen Flashenoffner?” She led us right to what we wanted. It’s kind of a miracle that I was able to communicate this, given that my German is so limited.

After leaving the store, I walked down the sidewalk carrying my groceries. I saw a group of soccer fans kicking a ball ahead of me. One of them lost control of the ball and it collided with my bag, causing my yogurt to explode all over me. He gave an indifferent apology and I seized his arm (he was maybe in his early 20’s and over 6 feet tall). Then I marched him back to the grocery store and explained to him that he was going to buy me a new yogurt. His group of friends followed us and waited for him while we were in the store. He said “Can’t I just give you the money?”

I said “No, that’s not how you apologize.”

While we were standing in line waiting to pay, I was beginning to feel foolish about bullying this kid. He looked down and me and asked “Do you want two yogurts?”

I said “Fine, just give me the euro.”

Let me tell you about the Dead Sea. You do not submerge your head in the Dead Sea. You do not dive into the Dead Sea. You do not swim; you float. The water is so salty that everyone floats. If you get the salt in your eyes it burns, it really burns. It is also very oily, nobody tells you this. Under the sand there is black clay or mud that has a lot of minerals, people rub it on their bodies.  There are also sharp pieces of salt that can cut you if you happen to step on them. I only encountered this in the manufactured Dead Sea, the artificial sea they are making to compensate for the declining water levels of the Dead Sea. The reason the water levels are evaporating so quickly is because part of the water that feeds the Dead Sea has been redirected and repurposed for drinking water.

Why is there a lifeguard at the Dead Sea? He looks like an Israeli Mitch from Baywatch. He has long curly bleached hair and red swim trunks. They must have told him “It’s an easy gig, a lifeguard at the Dead Sea, everyone floats, it’s impossible to drown.” That didn’t stop people from trying.

We hear someone saying, in a plain and calm speaking voice, “Help, help, help, lifeguard, help.” People are looking around to see where the voice was coming from. It belongs to a woman floating peacefully on her back, her face totally out of the water. At first no one, not even the lifeguard reacts. It’s surreal. She doesn’t seem panicked or in obvious danger. Finally a Korean man makes his way towards her, he floats her in the direction of shore. After about a minute, in 2 feet of water, she begins to panic. She pushes herself away from him, kicking hard with her feet, her legs flailing. At the same moment she manages to arch her back, submerging her head underwater as she kicks backwards. The Korean man is startled. The lifeguard runs into the water, stands the woman upright and walks her to the showers to wash the salt out of her eyes.

An obese woman floats on her stomach, finding it hard to balance she proceeds to bob up and down, submerging her face repeatedly into the water. Every time she pushes her face out of the water the rocking momentum dunks it back in.  The lifeguard runs in, stands her up in knee deep water and walks her to the showers.

Over the course of the day we saw five or six near-drownings. Sometimes the lifeguard would yell instructions from the bullhorn “Turn over on your back” and “Get your face out of the water.” Sometimes people on the beach would clap after one of his rescues and he would take the opportunity to puff up his chest and put his hands on his hips as he pose-walked to the shore. Once he even posed for a photograph with a salt-water-blinded victim on his way to take her to the shower.

When I was at the Dead Sea last year I managed to splash water into my eye, it totally burned. This year I managed to do the exact same thing. I walked up to the beach where my friend Einat was laying and said “well, I managed to do it again, I splashed water in my eye.” Without so much as looking up from her book, totally deadpan she replied, “at least you didn’t panic and drown.”

Rocky 3 was filmed in the desert of Israel. Locals warned Sylvester Stallone not to dive or put his face in the water of the Dead Sea. His response, “I’m Rambo.” He dove head first into the water. He spent 4 days in the hospital and they had to suspend shooting for the film while he recovered. What a jackass.

That’s why there is a lifeguard at the Dead Sea. I’ve never seen a busier lifeguard in my life. People from far and wide with no swimming ability, no experience or common sense come in droves to drown at the Dead Sea every year. 

On the flight from NY to Berlin, a German man sat next to me. He was flustered and erratic, unsuccessfully trying to jam his carry-on upright under the seat in front of him.

I couldn’t understand all the fidgeting and drama until several minutes later he emitted a fart that smelled like beef brisket.

Relaxing now, he became conversational. When I began eating an unchicken salad sandwich I had bought at the health food store, he said “bon appetite.” 

He asked me if I spoke German and I replied “eine bischen” or “a little.” He proceeded to tell me about his travels in broken English and German. I was thinking it would be a good chance for me to practice my German while in reality it was a good opportunity for him to practice his English. 

Because my German is so horrible I was often confused about what exactly he was talking about. Either his wife was having an affair with a 19-year-old doctor or his 19-year-old daughter was not talking to him. He told another story about looking over his wife’s shoulder while she was on the computer and seeing “jiggling titties” this I got from a vivid hand gesture. He was also pointed to his head to express that something was wrong with her in the head, explaining that “for a man it is normal but for a woman”, another point to the head. “Anyway, now she has boyfriend,” he said.

Then he dug through his briefcase to find a layout of the condominium his sister resides at in Sarasota Florida. He showed me the golf course and the location of the beach and the pools. I asked, “Where are the alligators?” and he pointed to a large pond to the north. Then he showed me a picture of him, his sister, his (possibly) ex-wife and his daughter (who did look pissed), standing in the parking lot of an Applebee’s.

The stewardesses turned out the lights on the plane and I tried desperately to go to sleep. I was next to the window and sometimes I peeked at the mute movie playing, something with Luke Wilson, while leaving my eye closest to him closed.

After about four hours they turned on the lights and started serving breakfast while showing a video on how mattresses were made. It seems cruel to wake passengers at 4am and show them a video about beds.

Then the German gave me his banana, that’s not code for anything. 

I stumbled across a private gallery opening last night and they told me if I come back tonight they’ll let me use the nail gun.

A drunk pervert was dancing and rubbing up against women with the couch cushion between his legs at the ‘You Are Here’ opening in Berlin.

He continued into the next room with Hanayo’s installation and ripped down a wall of clouds and then stood beneath the projection pretending to be a Weatherman.

I was taking photographs mostly which turned out to be surprisingly antisocial.

I took a couple breaks to talk to some people and then to have Wissam take some action shots of me jumping in front of paintings.

Daniel showed up wearing Raccoon fur coat. The German word for Raccoon is ‘Waschbear’ or ‘a bear that washes’.